How to Meet a Guy IRL at a Gay Bar

Dear Hank:

The pandemic has eased a bit in New York City, where I live, and the gay bars have reopened. So I’ve gotten off Grindr and started hitting the bars and clubs at night. I’m glad they are asking for proof of vaccination (I’ve gotten both of my Moderna shots.)

The problem I’m finding is that even at the bars gay guys are staring at their iPhones instead of trying to flirt directly with the other guys around them My favorite hookup app, Scruff, is useful because it tells me a lot about the sexy guy two barstools away. Is he into Daddies or Twinks? What’s is his age range? And does he like body hair? (I’ve got a lot of it ) But honestly, it seems stupid for me to click the Woof icon. Should I? Or is there another way to meet a sexy guy IRL in one of my East Village bars?

Looking for love

Hairy Hermit

Dear Hairy:

East Village bars? Well, if you’re talking Nowhere Bar or the Boileroom or the Cock, feel free to say hello if you see me (and btw, I like hairy:) )

I do feel your pain. I encounter the same thing. A couple of times guys have approached me in person, but they’ve seemed a little drunk. There was that older man with long gray hair who sat on the stool next to me at Nowhere Bar and said: “You look just like my father” and winked. He must have been drunk to think that would be a turn-on for a Daddy like me. And there was that younger guy at the Cock who grabbed me by the back of the neck and begged, “Please kiss me.” He looked more sad than sexy. (And he didn’t get my joke when I asked him if his name was Andrew Cuomo.)

I’ve argued that gay bars ought to have a dedicated IRL Night, where they turn off the wifi and make online cruising harder. But mobile phones aren’t going away. So let’s consider a way to use the hookup apps at a bar rather than send a Woof (Scruff), a Tap (Grindr), or a Shout (Daddyhunt). If there’s a guy by himself who’s on one of the apps, first read his profile. Then find a subtle way to get close — maybe walk up next to him to order another beer, or ask him if he knows if some other bar in the area is open. Then ask a more personal question, based on what you’ve read in his profile. “So you’re from Chicago? Visiting?” or “You’re a barber. So am I!” Steer clear of the explicit sexual questions. No “So you’re a Bottom?” or “What are your kinks?”

Your simple question is an invitation for a conversation. If the guy simply answers “yes” and turns away, move on to the next guy. If your question leads to a more engaging conversation, you might consider offering to buy a refill to his vodka soda. If it’s going well and one or the other of you has to leave, I’d suggest telling him you’ve enjoyed the conversation. “Let me give you my number. It would be cool to meet for a drink sometime.” I’ve actually created simple business cards for that purpose. They just list my first name, my email address, and my mobile number. Young guys are usually surprised and laugh. They’re not used to reading anything on paper. But some have followed up.

Hope this is helpful. And the next time you’re at Nowhere Bar, tell Valentino that Hank says “hi.”

Hank Loves Hairy!

Questions you can’t bring yourself to ask your gay friends and neighbors? Or maybe you’re just queer and befuddled. Send them to Hank@AskAGay.net. (Warning: The answers will be factually correct, but might not be politically correct)