I’ve Found the One! He’s Me!
Dear Hank:
I want a long-term relationship — a marriage! But finding someone I can spend the rest of my life with hasn’t been easy. I was married for a while (to a woman), and I was in two long-term gay relationships before gay marriage became legal in the United States. I loved my partners in those monogamous relationships, but it was a helluva lot of work and none of them lasted for long.
But as I grow older, I realize I have finally found “the one.” He’s a guy my age who I’ve known all of my life. We have so much in common — we watch the same TV shows, read the same books, eat at the same restaurants. And we look at life the same way. We do get into arguments sometime (but what couple doesn’t?) And once in a while we separate for a bit, so each of us can live his own life for a few hours or a day. We consider it an open relationship, so we can play with other guys from time to time.
He is me. And I am him.
Am I crazy? Have you ever considered marrying yourself? And if it doesn’t work, I’m guessing it won’t be easy to get a divorce.
Tying the Knot
Chris(and Topher)
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Dear Chris (and Topher):
Are you crazy? Well, when asked if he had sex with Monica Lewinsky, Bill Clinton infamously said “depends on how you define sex.” I guess the answer to your question depends on how you define sanity.
Based on your description of your relationship, I don’t think you’re crazy. I mean, if you were suffering from “multiple personality disorder,” as defined by the American Psychiatric Association, you’d be displaying two distinct personalities — with different names, personal histories, and characteristics. You say you have a lot in common, so to me Chris and Topher (aka Christopher?) sound more like twins.
Sologamy does seem to be a bit of a trend these days. I’m reading more about it than about polyamory. And it seems to be better known than the “quad” or “moresome” relationships that I mentioned in an earlier column (link). Quad is a term that describes a four-way relationship. “Moresome” describes five or more guys who are trying to love one another (emotionally, not just physically). Gay life is complicated!
I see some pluses to a sologamous relationship. You will be able to cancel that expensive Grindr subscription. You won’t have to stay up all night wondering when you’ll find “the one,” as gay men describe the ultimate partner that they think is out there. And no worries about getting an STD!
On the other hand, I’ve been reading about the challenges some people in sologamous relationships are facing. One woman posted on social media about how ashamed she was for cheating on her partner (i.e. having sex with a man, rather than just playing with herself). And apparently, there’s a woman in Brazil worrying on social media that she will have to divorce herself because she’s found a man she loves. Rodney Carrington, my favorite country singer, explains the challenge in a relationship with himself in his song “Letter to My Penis.”
I have yet to hear of any laws governing sologamous relationships (although I’m sure Ron DeSantis and Greg Abbott will be on it when they hear about this column). So, you won’t need to file for divorce if you’re out one night and find yourself going home with that guy on the other side of the bar. On the other hand, you won’t be able to take advantage of the tax breaks and discounts that some married couples get.
Now, the big question. When will you get married? Will it be a public ceremony, or something staged for YouTube? Who will be the best man? (Or woman? Or non-binary person?) Who will officiate? And where will you have the honeymoon? There’s a service called I Married Me that offers a variety of sologamous marriage kits that include things like a sterling silver ring, vows, and 24 “affirmation cards.”
If you want some suggestions regarding wedding presents, you might want to read this 2005 story published in the Guardian. Kevin Nadal, a gay man, told the author, Sharon Krum, “I got a DVD recorder, a nose-hair trimmer, kitchenware, Martini glasses, and a back massager. Oh, and I registered for male pornographic magazines, and got those too. I did well.” Maybe add to the list a subscription to a couple of OnlyFans accounts?
I’m happy to share with you the sologamos wedding vow that I asked ChatGPT to write for me (although I decided not to go through with the ceremony.)
My Sologamous Wedding Vow
“I take this vow to love, honor, and cherish myself,
To be my own best friend and partner in life,
To support myself through all of life’s joys and strife.
“I promise to be true to my own needs and desires,
To listen to my heart and follow my own fires,
To be kind and compassionate to myself each day, And to love and accept myself in every single way.
“I vow to be my own source of strength and inspiration,
To believe in myself and trust my intuition,
To never settle for less than I deserve,
And to always put my own well-being first.
“This is my solemn vow, to love and honor myself,
To be my own soulmate and partner in health, To live my life with joy, passion, and grace,
And to always hold myself in the highest embrace.”
Hank (still single)
Questions you straight people can’t bring yourself to ask your gay friends and neighbors? Or maybe you’re just queer and befuddled. Send them to Hank@AskAGay.net. (Warning: The answers will be factually correct, but might not be politically correct)
