My Son Is Dating a Daddy!
Should I be worried?
Dear Hank:
My son is gay, and I’m alright with that. But I’m still puzzled about the way gay men live their lives. Honestly, there’s so much I don’t understand. The biggest issue for me is the age gap. My son is 28 years old, and he’s been dating guys who are in their 50s, and 60s! Is that normal in the gay world? Should I be worried? I mean, I’m 54 years old! I would never date a boy in his 20s!
Mother Hen
Dear Mother Hen:
I addressed this issue in a column posted a few years ago titled “Gay Bois and the Daddyhunt.”
“Daddies” are those men attracted to younger guys they want to mentor and support emotionally (and sometimes financially — a “sugar daddy”). Of course, there’s also the aspect of sexual attraction, at least for the older guys, who are more likely to be smitten by well-defined abs than wise wrinkles. There’s a significant minority of young gay guys who are seeking older partners, witness the popularity of websites such as Daddyhunt and its related app Mister.
Of course, there has long been a tradition of older men dating and marrying much younger women. One of the most highly publicized examples of that was Anna Nicole Smith’s marriage, at the age of 26, to billionaire J. Howard Marshall, who was 89. And then there are the “cougars,” a word used to describe older women who feel a passion for much younger men. One example is the actress Joan Collins, 90, the last (?) of whose five marriages is to Percy Gibson, who is 32 years younger.
A “daddy” myself, I’ve observed growing acceptance of gay age-gap relationships. There are substantial advantages to those on either side of an age relationship. Younger men can benefit from the life experience of their older partners with advice on dealing with family and career issues, to name two examples. And older men can benefit from relationships with younger guys who can help them explore the ever-evolving social landscape, and the world of digital media. And make sure they will be alerted when the latest version of Taylor Swift emerges. In my experience, older gay men have a higher risk of being taken advantage of by younger partners than the risk younger men have of being taken advantage of by older partners. The biggest risk older men face is being exploited financially.
If you want to get a good feel for what a gay age-gap relationship is like, I would suggest you watch “Out Loud,” a weekly YouTube video series in which Jon and Brian, partners with a 34-year age gap, explore life together. “Age Gap Relationshp: Challenges & Benefits,” is the episode I recommend most. And then there’s the “Daddy and the Twink” video created by Grindr, which features me!
I hope this helps!
Daddy Hank
Questions you straight people can’t bring yourself to ask your gay friends and neighbors? Or maybe you’re just queer and befuddled. Send them to Hank@AskAGay.net. (Warning: The answers will be factually correct, but might not be politically correct)
